Anything weight related is the absolut worst.
This post is not about specifically about weight but about a consequence of weight gain or loss: Buying clothes in different sizes.
For me, personally, clothes in smaller sizes were always *yeah* and clothes in bigger sizes… well, I just did not buy clothes in a bigger size.
During recovery, I gained weight. That’s what they tell you to do when you’re underweight. Obviously, that’s just one part of recovery but while it is happening, you cannot image it could get any worse. At least I couldn’t.
I subsequently came to terms with gaining but what I did not come to terms with was buying bigger clothes. I had to wear oversized sweaters to cover my muffin tops that poured over the waistband of my pants. I felt uncomfortable but I had gotten so used to being uncomfortable in all my years of starving, binging and purging that I did not know any better. Gaining weight was so horrible, I thought this was just the way it had to be.
I guess, I always told myself that I would lose the weight. Why buy new clothes then? The old ones are going to fit again. Guess what? They won’t! These are false promises your disordered brain tells you to keep you in line. This specific lie worked wonders for me.
One day, someone told me that my jeans were out of style.
Can you believe that my brain was ok with me buying new jeans because mine were outdated but the fact that they had been too small for the past two years was irrelevant?
Now that I had finally found a valid reason for buying new pants, I ordered different jeans in different sizes online. I was so confused with my new body, I ordered everything from XS to XL.
I was somewhere in the middle.
In the end, I bought three pairs. They were about two sizes bigger and honestly, they felt like heaven. I realised that I had made gaining weight even harder (what?!) by denying myself bigger, more comfortable clothes. Was I ok with being bigger? Hell no! I was miserable. But it was a better miserable than before and this is what recovery is all about. Learning to be kind to myself. Buying clothes that fit the body you have and not the body you want is being kind to your soul.
If you are in the process of recovery and your weight is changing, please, listen to my advice and go buy yourself some new clothes.
I know how hard it is, believe me. You WILL feel better once you realise that you can actually MOVE again.
Here are a few tips to help you get buy new clothes in different sizes:
- Go with a friend! Do you have someone who knows what you are going through? Someone you trust? Great! Go shopping with your person. Let them bring you clothes and not tell you the size. You have to be strong and not look at the etiquette. If something is too small or too big, tell your person and they will be able to narrow down your actual size without you having a heart attack (or worse, a relapse). After buying the clothes, have your person cut out the etiquette. You will never know.
- Don’t have a person at hand? Then go to a smaller store where the staff is well trained. Tell the staffer you find the most sympathetic what you are dealing with. Hopefully, the shop assistant will be able to guess your right size and bring you clothes accordingly. Again, you have to be strong and not look at the etiquette. You bought something? Have the assistant cut out the etiquette. I realise that it is hard to confide in someone but it’s sometimes easier if it’s a stranger.
- Do it like I did: order it online. This on is hard because a) you are alone when you are trying the clothes on and b) you know what sizes you ordered. Since I ordered the same pair of jeans in three or four different sizes, the package I got was huge. In the end, I just picked an item, unpacked it, tried it on. I did not look at the etiquette. The only thing I knew was: These are too big or too small. The actual number, I kept out of sight.
- Feel like you really, really can’t? Then don’t do it. If you know you are going to relapse when you buy bigger clothes (we all know when it is too dangerous), then maybe this is too early for you. Still, do something kind and feed your soul. Anything to make you feel a little bit better is a step into the right direction. You are suffering enough already.